Wishing for What I've Never Found

I'm going to miss my tree. Ok, so it's not my tree but it's the first thing I remember seeing when I came here a year ago for my job interview.

I sat in the lobby anxiously waiting and stared out the window on that very sunny blue sky day and was enthralled by the grandfatherly tree that stood in front of an old stone building down the street. The tree's canopy overshadowed the large lawn and the tree itself stood as tall as the building. It was, simply put, beautiful.

From the kitchenette in my office I can look out the window and see that tree every morning. I never get sick of staring at it's majestic branches. It really is majestic because it is such a stark contrast to the concrete and glass of the buildings that surround it. It's a touch of life in the middle of a cold urban wasteland. It reminds me of the endless green of home.

Home....

I spoke to my sister on the phone last night. She's not so happy where she is either. She has a job and is much more secure in her job but they treat their employees horribly. It's the nature of where she lives. Employers there know that they have a zillion other people lining up to take over a job so no one person is very valuable to them.

Big cities have a lot of advantages but in my mind right now they have a lot more disadvantages. My sister and I agree on the fact that if we both lived in our hometown and had the jobs we do right now we would both be homeowners. If we stay where we currently are we never will be. I'm still struggling with what it is that really matters in that regard.

I had so much hope one year ago when I came for the interview. After the interview I had even more hope. I felt like the job had been made for me. I thought that this was it. It was finally my time to find my dream job. I thought all this job uncertainty was over. I was finally going to be like everyone else and be successful. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I think again the only thing this whole event proves is that I can't EVER trust my instincts. In every case where I had a strong feeling about something being right it always proves to be the exact opposite.

It seems that the next time I get a strong feeling about something being the right thing I should do the opposite. Never once has my intuition been correct. It always ends with me being broken and depressed.

To combat the depression I've been burying myself in books. The only problem with this is that I've found myself being more lonely than I usually am. Reading about all these amazing male heros in these books makes me resent my singleness even more than usual.

Lately I've wished I could come home to someone who will just be there for me. I feel more alone now then I ever have. As sad, or lame or stupid as it may sound all I want is to have someone's arms to curl up in and forget about what an awful, disappointing, hopeless mess my life is.

I've never had this. I've always been left to comfort myself with silence. I suppose that makes you strong but it certainly does nothing for the lonliness.

I know I can take care of myself as I've been doing it most of my life. I'm not looking for someone to make it better for me I can do that myself.

All I want is to be held. I've never had the luxury of finding comfort in someone else. There has never been anyone around who wanted that job or who was strong enough to fill that need in my life. Right now it is the one thing I want more than anything. Unfortunately I think it is the one thing I'll never have.

I may look strong. I may even sound invincible at times but I assure you I am human underneath all the bravado and I do need comfort just like everyone else. I have yet to find the man who can be that for me. I guess I should start considering the possibility that he doesn't exist.

If I could have one wish right now it would be to find that man. I would wish for that over a new job even.

"Love gives us in a moment what we can hardly attain by effort after years of toil." ~ Goethe